Unbelievable tales from reddit.
handpicked from the staff at tippin ice.
Credit to: Other_Football72
posted to: r/AmIOverreacting
Something happened recently that brought back an old memory I thought I was over. I made a post about my wife dumping my sourdough starter, Gerald, despite very clear instructions not to touch him. That whole situation stirred up something from 20 years ago that I never really processed, and now I’m wondering if I was the problem then too.
Backstory: around 2003 or so, I went to Amsterdam with a girlfriend at the time. While I was there, I bought this red AJAX cap. I didn’t care about the soccer team, it just looked cool and, more importantly, it fit my head perfectly. And that’s not a small thing. I’ve got a weird head and most hats either pinch or slide off like I’m wearing a cereal bowl.
This was my go-to hat for years. Comfortable, looked good, and yeah, it happened to be from a trip with an ex. But I wasn’t clinging to it for sentimental reasons. I liked the hat. And for context, this was well before MAGA red caps existed. This was just a European soccer hat from 15 years before Trump turned red hats into a political thing.
Anyway, I get married a few years later. My wife has never liked hearing about the ex. I’ve always tried to be respectful about that, but sometimes reality shows up. Like when the ex emailed me once, years into our marriage, asking for a referral to a friend of mine in finance. I answered politely, told my wife about it, and she acted like I’d flown to Amsterdam again to restart the whole relationship. She brought it up for years. Still does, actually. I mean, I don't know, she might have been looking to check in on me, I wasn't interested and didn't do anything but give a polite email back.
Now back to the hat.
At some point, my wife decides to wash it. Didn’t ask. Just did it. I told her not to do that again, it was starting to fray. A few weeks later, she does it again. Now it’s getting real beat up. I told her directly, clearly, do not wash this hat again. It’s hanging on by threads.
Then she does it again.
I find it in the laundry. Torn at the seams, color faded, basically unwearable. I held it up, looked at her, and then just ripped it in half down the middle. Didn’t say a word. Just split it like a phone book and tossed the pieces on the table.
She called me unhinged. Said I was out of control. Said I destroyed it just to make a point. Maybe I did. I was fucking pissed. But it felt like she didn’t care what I said. She’d already decided that this hat represented something she hated, and she wasn’t going to let it survive.
And now, after the sourdough, it all kind of came rushing back. The pattern. The control. The disrespect. I’m not saying I’m a saint. I know it’s just a hat. But sometimes it’s not about the object. It’s about being listened to. Or not.
So yeah. AIO?
Thoughts from the users:
Either_Management813:
"NOR. The sourdough starter would have been it for me, a hill to die on. The disrespect to throw out or damage anything of yours for no particular reason indicates a larger control issue on her part as does the overdone jealousy about a single email exchange. I’m wondering why she was jealous of Gerald. Only you can say of the rest of this marriage is worth trying to save. I’d certainly insist on counseling and agreed on boundaries. I don’t care if your hat was filthy. It wasn’t hers to destroy and yes, she knew what she was doing was destructive."
Infinate_Drawer3627:
"When people have their emotions dismissed or invalidated for an extended period of time, eventually those emotions comes bubbling up to the surface and manifest in the strangest ways. I always say; when someone is freaking out about something that, without context, seems "unhinged" or "dramatic" or like an over reaction; it's often not about the actual thing in the moment. It's often things that have been pushed down for a while. It sounds, to me, that this is what you're actually feeling:
- You feel like your partner doesn't trust you and is questioning your character regarding this whole ex situation
- You feel disrespected by your partner because she goes out of her way to do things you've specifically asked her not to do
- You feel angry about being disrespected
- You feel like your boundaries and requests mean nothing to her
- You feel gaslit because she called you unhinged for finally letting your emotions get the best of you
- And ultimately, all of the above makes you feel unloved by the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with; which in turn probably makes you feel trapped in a sense, like you're bound to spend every day of the rest of your life being unloved, unseen, unheard, overlooked and disrespected. Anger is the emotion that cares about you the most in a sense. Anger is there to tell you "Hey! This is not a behaviour I am willing to accept. I deserve better than this" Anger is never something that should be acted on, but instead, just listen to it, and then ask yourself what you're really angry about. Then have a vulnerable conversation with your wife letting her know how you really feel. It's not about the hat, or the sourdough - trust me (says the random stranger on the internet :P)cBut seriously though...
I, of course, could be way off base and be totally wrong. But if anything that I mentioned above resonates...it's time to really sit and talk to her vulnerably. If she has a negative reaction to you being vulnerable and calmly expressing your feelings, then I'm sorry to say this, but you'll need to reevaluate whether you're willing to spend every day of the rest of your life feeling belittled and dismissed."
gigi-kent:
"She called me unhinged. Said I was out of control. Said I destroyed it just to make a point. I was reading the paragraph above this and just strongly felt something like this will come up next. I do believe some people here will go as far as labeling you as unhinged, a massive red flag, abusive and whatnot. But I kinda understand your massive frustration that went beyond the cap itself and more in the direction of not having your requests respected repeatedly."